Hi Peter,
Personal poems are always the hardest to write sometimes. It's hard to find the objective distance. That said, I like some of your changes quite a bit. My favorite changes are "rolling his body this way and that", "as they swirl about his bed", and "the storm breaks to soft rain" (beautiful phrasing with that).
The only suggestions I have for you are as follows:
L4: seems a little wordy iwth the two prepositional phrases maybe shorten it to:
blowing the nightstand's papers to the floor.
L12: bury seems a little too strong given that he's still feeling fear in L11. Maybe shroud instead?
Also, one structural choice: You may want to consider going to four line strophes. It isn't just that it will pull more together visually (which it would). I think the strongest reason to consider it is the extra weight it will give one of your most important lines (see below for example):
They hurl lightning bolts of laughter,
as they swirl about his bed,
a tumult of sound and confusion,
waking him from the dreams
that come before death,
rolling his body this way and that,
indifferent to his fear;
they bury him in long white sheets.
That break would really make "that come before death" pop even more. Just a thought.
It's a definite step forward though in any event.
Best,
Todd
Personal poems are always the hardest to write sometimes. It's hard to find the objective distance. That said, I like some of your changes quite a bit. My favorite changes are "rolling his body this way and that", "as they swirl about his bed", and "the storm breaks to soft rain" (beautiful phrasing with that).
The only suggestions I have for you are as follows:
L4: seems a little wordy iwth the two prepositional phrases maybe shorten it to:
blowing the nightstand's papers to the floor.
L12: bury seems a little too strong given that he's still feeling fear in L11. Maybe shroud instead?
Also, one structural choice: You may want to consider going to four line strophes. It isn't just that it will pull more together visually (which it would). I think the strongest reason to consider it is the extra weight it will give one of your most important lines (see below for example):
They hurl lightning bolts of laughter,
as they swirl about his bed,
a tumult of sound and confusion,
waking him from the dreams
that come before death,
rolling his body this way and that,
indifferent to his fear;
they bury him in long white sheets.
That break would really make "that come before death" pop even more. Just a thought.
It's a definite step forward though in any event.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson