Two Haitians at the Deathbed

[Todd]

Hi Peter,

A few comments for you:

Two Haitian aides,
black clouds of rumbling thunder,--is black needed? While I realize it gives you some nice sonics with blowing, clouds with thunder are usually dark so it may be unnecessary
sweep into the room,--this feels simply transitional. It doesn't add much as a line. I'd like to see a stronger choice here. You could probably even cut it and move directly to the next line.
blowing the papers on his nightstand
to the floor.
The television roars to life.

They hurl lightning bolts of laughter,
waking him from the dreams
that come before death;--the dreams that come before death is one of the more interesting phrases in the poem. It works well though you could develop and build on this a little more if you wanted. But it's cool either way
handling him
with a disturbing indifference.--I'd rather see you show me this type of handling with some imagery or figurative language rather than just telling me

The oppressive afternoon humidity--oppressive seems too telly here
is broken by fitful rain,
and the room returns to silence;--again a good line
the wild clouds gliding swiftly--maybe glide instead of gliding
to the next room
where a woman has stopped breathing,--this is another cool idea. I like it
and they must make way
for another of the dying.--maybe cut another of

So, I think you have some really good ideas here. I hope the comments are helpful to you. If they aren't please disregard.

Best,

Todd