~Who Will Be Responsible?~

[ficosdarkness]

I asked myself how could I let this happen? And I watched it spinning around collecting the dirt and pollution that has surrounded me, so much so that when I held it up to the sun it refracted a rainbow hue that almost made it beautiful. Then I cast it up into the cosmos, out into the universe hoping that it would come back to me somehow different than what it was or not at all. As I waited for it's return, looking directly into the sun, I was blinded to the fact that a piece had torn itself away from my question and remained planted firmly before me. I started to run frightened and blind, afraid that my question would come back the same , then tripped over the pieces that remained in front of me. I scrambled around in the very filth that had collected on my question until the sunspots flew from my eyes and I saw it there, planted so deep, unmoving. There it was different but the same and the words read,
"I let this happen."


~Who Will Be Responsible?~ Revised Version

I asked myself, "How could I let this happen?" I watched it
spinning, collecting the dirt and pollution around me,
so much that when I held it up to the sun it refracted
a rainbow hue that almost made it beautiful.
I cast it up into the cosmos, out into the universe
hoping that it would come back different, or not at all.
Anxiously, I waited for it's return, looking directly into the sun,
I was blinded
A piece had torn itself away and it remained firmly before me.
Frightened and unable to see past the sunbursts in my eyes,
I tried to run, afraid that my query would come back the same ,
and tripped over the pieces in front of me.
I scrambled around in the very filth that had collected on it,
until the sunspots flew from my eyes and I saw it there,
standing tall, planted deep, like the crucifix of the Christ.
It was different, ominous, yet simple, almost the same
and the words read, "I let this happen."

what an edit. anxiously and crucifix.

much much better. if i had one dribble of advice now, it would be this;
don't go too far in the removal of short words. or try an mix up the I's a little
I tripped over the pieces in front of me.
could be;
and tripped over the pieces in front of me.

another technique is letting the sentence run on but only a small amount like so;
I asked myself, "How could I let this happen?" I watched it
spinning, collecting the dirt and pollution around me,
so much that when I held it up to the sun it refracted

but the edit itself is very brave and form wise excellent. it looks and reads better (for me)

it's really refreshing when you see someone make a leap as big as the one you have made Fd. excellent.

thanks for the new read

Refreshing? How about petrifying? At least from my POV! But I think that the new form will work for me. Thanks billy!