04-26-2011, 09:53 AM
normally if we get a two named nic or a long nic we abbreviate it to the two main initials hehe, with you it would be V.D. hehe so i'll call you vdorn
did you format the poem to have so much empty space? if so for me it draws out the poem too much and stops me ejoying the read as much as should enjoy it, and enjoy it i do.
were it in the serious crit i would point out in a line by line crit but we're are not so just a couple of things.
grammar, you use it in the poem, caps are part of grammar so doesn't it make sense to use them only where they should be used (and not it's not a rule of poetry, it does help the reader to differentiate between a line end and a period stamped line end.
much to much good stuff to chose one line or image though;
A touch of salt, and wet, stings the air; the sea is not far
Collapsing visions of collapsing swells, a snowdrift flaring
Fuming into inkblots, the haze and distorted hues vanish
worked really well
i take it the tired slaves were not the slaves we usually think of. for a while i thought of bloody sunday but that was in january and northern Ireland.
in 1916 or 1917 there was the easter uprising in and around dublin led by pearse and connolly to reclaim ireland back from the english. though i don't know of the mill. thats what i take from the poem. the struggle of freedom the struggle to survive. the 'away by the docks' sounds typically irish and wonderful. an excellent poem in need of a small edit
thanks for the read, everything i said is jmo
i will add i think the poem much much better than just an average poem
did you format the poem to have so much empty space? if so for me it draws out the poem too much and stops me ejoying the read as much as should enjoy it, and enjoy it i do.
were it in the serious crit i would point out in a line by line crit but we're are not so just a couple of things.
grammar, you use it in the poem, caps are part of grammar so doesn't it make sense to use them only where they should be used (and not it's not a rule of poetry, it does help the reader to differentiate between a line end and a period stamped line end.
much to much good stuff to chose one line or image though;
A touch of salt, and wet, stings the air; the sea is not far
Collapsing visions of collapsing swells, a snowdrift flaring
Fuming into inkblots, the haze and distorted hues vanish
worked really well
i take it the tired slaves were not the slaves we usually think of. for a while i thought of bloody sunday but that was in january and northern Ireland.
in 1916 or 1917 there was the easter uprising in and around dublin led by pearse and connolly to reclaim ireland back from the english. though i don't know of the mill. thats what i take from the poem. the struggle of freedom the struggle to survive. the 'away by the docks' sounds typically irish and wonderful. an excellent poem in need of a small edit
thanks for the read, everything i said is jmo
i will add i think the poem much much better than just an average poem