04-08-2011, 04:53 PM
nice idea.
that said i find personal poetry the hardest to give feedback on as me knowing it's personal makes it personal for me as well. still it's up and post now so here goes;
my take is that if you add a few solid images in an edit. cut out some of the words that say the same thing or that don't add anything you would have a much improved poem.
my biggest nit was the 2 lines in parenthesis, somehow they didn't work at all for me.
all the above said. i'm sure the person you wrote it for loved it. and rightly so.
that said i find personal poetry the hardest to give feedback on as me knowing it's personal makes it personal for me as well. still it's up and post now so here goes;
(04-08-2011, 11:44 AM)Verbavore Wrote: Since I currently have my signature quoting from this poem, I thought it would be appropriate to let you see the whole thing. I wrote it specifically for someone who needed it at the time.after the 1st verse it begins to get hall mark, which in and of itself isn't bad. specially with a personal poem. the thing is; once a poem gets hall mark it also begins to lack imagery or becomes too cliché. for me it feels the poetry has left the 2nd verse and become more of a get well thing.
Aug. 1996
Clearly life’s not perfect, but only in your sight. is 'but only' needed?
A flower field in summer to a ritual knife at night. for me you need a line explaining why this is so
You cloud your sky with mystery,
cover yourself with large palm leaves
so we can’t see your body, flesh
(You made up not perfected)
Your countenance with beauty mesh
(That’s not what from me you expected.)the syntax of the two lines in parenthesis make me falter
And even though you never know,
I’ll tell you, little one:
So very long your life’ll go,
(A hundred billion burning suns.) love the last 3 lines of the 1st verse. specially the last one
I know that things get sad sometimes,
You’re pulled down by the sin.
Just smile and think of happy days
and still keep up your chin
to will yourself that you may see
Those happy days to come.
Embrace the circle, life it is
to find out where you’re from.
We are all together to meet the status quo.
The end’s the same for all of us, no matter how we go.
So take the warrior path of heart that to yourself be true.
It’ll take you to the better part. You’ll be more happy, too.
But, if you let the sound you guide grate sour on your soul,
you pass right back your parking pass, and drive right past your goal. great
my take is that if you add a few solid images in an edit. cut out some of the words that say the same thing or that don't add anything you would have a much improved poem.
my biggest nit was the 2 lines in parenthesis, somehow they didn't work at all for me.
all the above said. i'm sure the person you wrote it for loved it. and rightly so.