Flight IB7453

[billy]

Flight IB7453.

He is tall,
thin, as if left unfed
and suited in pin-stripes, no less.
It doesn't take away from his daddy-long-legs ideal. for me it seems a lot of work to say he's tall and thin and pinstriped.
I rest my head on the seat, this and the next two lines are a good solid image
twist my knees out to the window
and watch
the white length of metal cut through our shared, charlatan sky. [this line doesn't feel right for me LA, how can you watch it cut through the sky while you're in it?]
Over the edge of golden-brimmed glasses and a particularly formal newspaper,
he watches me. [the last three lines are a good image]

He is tall also,
muscular,
when he walks down the isle
every woman, every man and every child
is drooling, like a seventy two year old man getting his fix of perky, youthful breasts, their momentary Jesus. great image
His eyes are the green pools Bambi could run through,
his lips, the cherries, ripe for picking really cliché
and the slightly see-through t-shirt only aids my curiousity, unsure of anyone else's.
He sits in front of me twisting his words 'neath an irish accent [great line]
and bending the chair with his weight like a French Vogue-beauty over the four-poster in Amsterdam.
I crack my neck. [great last three lines.]

The hit slams the back of my seat.
Two children howling and hollering and lashing out, one mother sweating.
Her eyes plead "Don't leave me." when mine make contact
but I'm not their mother and I don't have to help.
I turn back to face the window. good five lines
Flight attendants drill for money with speakers and chocolate and alcohol and their souls and a normal sleeping pattern. [ lots of 'ands' but they work here]
The children squeal like greedy rats for chocolate whilst I am just happy
with the Jack Dan's, swishing in my glass. I begrudge the ice. [love this line]
Seat belts on,
in flight turbulence across the darkening sky. I yawn.

a good narrative poem with good images. strongly told. mt main nits are that too long was spent on the thin opening. my second is the he, and the he, two of them while the juxtapose well, we have no idea who they are, nor does the narrator of course but i'd like to see a distinction apart from thin and muscular. instead of the two he's why not the middle aged blah blah and the young blah blah. though of course the choise is yours.

the last line was almost perfect as a part of in flight entertainment lmao.
nothing there for me but a good solid narrative verse.
for me i don't think it needs too much of an edit, but it does feel like it needs at least a small one. jmo

thanks for the read LA. is it an iberian plain ?