02-28-2011, 04:06 AM
"Now for the morning tea,
'cause I'm always up early
with my excuse of a reality"
Do you have morning tea "because" you're up early with your excuse of a reality? If you were up early without an excuse for reality, would you still drink tea?
It just sounds kind of strange. Did you write "tea" because it rhymes with "reality", or "reality" because it rhymes with "tea"?
Rhythmically, these lines flow nicely with the exception of the third. The first contains six syllables, and the second contains seven, which is fine; "With my excuse of a reality" feels clumsy to me; It makes me stumble through the line. Perhaps cut down a few syllables?
"So, I've been thinking,
passively hoping as insipid motions permeate,"
Here you begin to lose me, as I've been given no imagery to go by (besides tea).
Another gripe I have is that you're using very vague adjectives; adjectives should only be used when they are pertinent to the poem, and they're normally just superfluous and tellish. What exactly is an "insipid motion"? (I know what insipid means, it just gives me zero imagery or excitement). I also could've inferred that you're "passively" hoping, as most types of hoping are passive; I don't think it's necessary to mention
Why not try showing us what these "motions" are, rather than telling? Try using lots of verbs and nouns (Instead of "I saw a boy outside", try "The boy hung his hooded head as he weakly kicked a stone down the driveway") This works a bit better.
"humming to the beast that sleeps
so peacefully
in wait
for waits -"
Humming to the beast that sleeps doesn't do it for me. It might work if I had some imagery to go by, but I don't.
I don't think "so peacefully" is needed.
I don't get the last two lines.
"what is the importance?
What is the point of wasting so much life
on waiting?
Supposedly, one must make something
worth chasing."
This is fairly clear, but provides zero imagery, and the questions you're posing don't do much to pull me in.
As for the third statement, It's my favorite part so far. It's not a knock-out, and it's not entirely true, but then again, what is?
It's a little out of the ordinary , and I like that.
"From the beginning
I've had to convince myself,
keep convincing everyone else
that I did good,
made the right choice"
We already spoke about imagery, so I won't beat a dead horse.
Write something to shock us! If what you're writing doesn't surprise you, it won't surprise us. So far I haven't received one jolt!
Let me tell you,
some teens know jack-shit
about themselves or the other they should be privy to
before they so conclusively commit.
Your enjambment isn't too bad, and these few lines aren't either. Why "so"?
"Now, isn't this fun?
The breaking down of boundaries?
This is where I feel like one of our precious newbies
with their introspective, diary-prose, page spew.
No form, no rhythm, narrow points of view
line
break
and
vent -
no offense."
"This is where I feel like one of our precious newbies
with their introspective, diary-prose, page spew."
YES! That's EXACTLY what I'm looking for! I love this line; it's honest and, while it didn't shock me, I felt a few volts. Creative, even.
The beginning of this verse is telly and cliche "breaking down of boundaries", but the end of it is bearable.
"Memo:
Follow topic."
Adds nothing.
So, I will tell myself again
that I'm doing the 'right thing';
I'm not a victim or a martyr,
I am working, holding,
nay, raising up
my end of the deal
for eternity -
the deal I struck for change,
challenge, summer love,
and as my 'responsible', 'logical'
'moral' justification
for running away.
Why did you use "nay"? You wrote in a normal diction, then switched to shakespearian. I didn't like it.
The rest felt boring.
END OF CRITIQUE
Again, I loved these two lines:
This is where I feel like one of our precious newbies
with their introspective, diary-prose, page spew.
I'd change "I feel" to "I am", though.
All in all, with lots of work, this could shine. I look forward to seeing your next draft.
I hope I didn't sound rude; I just wanted to give you a thorough analysis.
Thanks for posting.
'cause I'm always up early
with my excuse of a reality"
Do you have morning tea "because" you're up early with your excuse of a reality? If you were up early without an excuse for reality, would you still drink tea?
It just sounds kind of strange. Did you write "tea" because it rhymes with "reality", or "reality" because it rhymes with "tea"?Rhythmically, these lines flow nicely with the exception of the third. The first contains six syllables, and the second contains seven, which is fine; "With my excuse of a reality" feels clumsy to me; It makes me stumble through the line. Perhaps cut down a few syllables?
"So, I've been thinking,
passively hoping as insipid motions permeate,"
Here you begin to lose me, as I've been given no imagery to go by (besides tea).
Another gripe I have is that you're using very vague adjectives; adjectives should only be used when they are pertinent to the poem, and they're normally just superfluous and tellish. What exactly is an "insipid motion"? (I know what insipid means, it just gives me zero imagery or excitement). I also could've inferred that you're "passively" hoping, as most types of hoping are passive; I don't think it's necessary to mention
Why not try showing us what these "motions" are, rather than telling? Try using lots of verbs and nouns (Instead of "I saw a boy outside", try "The boy hung his hooded head as he weakly kicked a stone down the driveway") This works a bit better.
"humming to the beast that sleeps
so peacefully
in wait
for waits -"
Humming to the beast that sleeps doesn't do it for me. It might work if I had some imagery to go by, but I don't.
I don't think "so peacefully" is needed.
I don't get the last two lines.
"what is the importance?
What is the point of wasting so much life
on waiting?
Supposedly, one must make something
worth chasing."
This is fairly clear, but provides zero imagery, and the questions you're posing don't do much to pull me in.
As for the third statement, It's my favorite part so far. It's not a knock-out, and it's not entirely true, but then again, what is?
It's a little out of the ordinary , and I like that.
"From the beginning
I've had to convince myself,
keep convincing everyone else
that I did good,
made the right choice"
We already spoke about imagery, so I won't beat a dead horse.
Write something to shock us! If what you're writing doesn't surprise you, it won't surprise us. So far I haven't received one jolt!
Let me tell you,
some teens know jack-shit
about themselves or the other they should be privy to
before they so conclusively commit.
Your enjambment isn't too bad, and these few lines aren't either. Why "so"?
"Now, isn't this fun?
The breaking down of boundaries?
This is where I feel like one of our precious newbies
with their introspective, diary-prose, page spew.
No form, no rhythm, narrow points of view
line
break
and
vent -
no offense."
"This is where I feel like one of our precious newbies
with their introspective, diary-prose, page spew."
YES! That's EXACTLY what I'm looking for! I love this line; it's honest and, while it didn't shock me, I felt a few volts. Creative, even.
The beginning of this verse is telly and cliche "breaking down of boundaries", but the end of it is bearable.
"Memo:
Follow topic."
Adds nothing.
So, I will tell myself again
that I'm doing the 'right thing';
I'm not a victim or a martyr,
I am working, holding,
nay, raising up
my end of the deal
for eternity -
the deal I struck for change,
challenge, summer love,
and as my 'responsible', 'logical'
'moral' justification
for running away.
Why did you use "nay"? You wrote in a normal diction, then switched to shakespearian. I didn't like it.
The rest felt boring.
END OF CRITIQUE
Again, I loved these two lines:
This is where I feel like one of our precious newbies
with their introspective, diary-prose, page spew.
I'd change "I feel" to "I am", though.
All in all, with lots of work, this could shine. I look forward to seeing your next draft.
I hope I didn't sound rude; I just wanted to give you a thorough analysis.
Thanks for posting.