02-27-2011, 06:28 PM
i see an obvious rant. a train of thought poem within strict parameters.
the first three lines open the rant up nicely.
the 2nd verse says little (the way of the rant). mainly it's telly as is the third verse. both in need of a good image or two.
the fourth verse works well for me. it kind of admits that the ist person has fell into a newb trap. (explained in the stanza) but here the stanza has some poetic device, mainly line breaks that show it's not a newb.
and then the last stanza fades back to telly. for me it should have packed more of a punch. as it is
it feels a little weak, more of a grumble than a real rant.
i looked at the title and was struck to think of factory workers taking their break etc.
while for me it was an okay read, i feel it should be less telly or at least have some strong imagery i it. jmo.
as always, thanks for the read
the first three lines open the rant up nicely.
the 2nd verse says little (the way of the rant). mainly it's telly as is the third verse. both in need of a good image or two.
the fourth verse works well for me. it kind of admits that the ist person has fell into a newb trap. (explained in the stanza) but here the stanza has some poetic device, mainly line breaks that show it's not a newb.
and then the last stanza fades back to telly. for me it should have packed more of a punch. as it is
it feels a little weak, more of a grumble than a real rant.
i looked at the title and was struck to think of factory workers taking their break etc.
while for me it was an okay read, i feel it should be less telly or at least have some strong imagery i it. jmo.
as always, thanks for the read