02-25-2011, 10:12 AM
Stray from abstractions such as "outraged disillusion"; I got zero imagery from most of this. Rather than TELLING us about confusion, you need to illustrate it. Stay away from phrases such as "quest for truth", as they are cliche. The first line is good, but I would re-work the rest of it.
As for how you're going to go about doing that, I don't know. I'd like to see some concrete similes, surprises, maybe some meter and a rhyme scheme (you drift in and out of one). It was a fine attempt, but you can do better.
"..."
I'd stay away from that sort of thing for now. It doesn't look good, nor does it add anything valuable. Good luck with the revisions.
As for how you're going to go about doing that, I don't know. I'd like to see some concrete similes, surprises, maybe some meter and a rhyme scheme (you drift in and out of one). It was a fine attempt, but you can do better.
"..."
I'd stay away from that sort of thing for now. It doesn't look good, nor does it add anything valuable. Good luck with the revisions.