Floorboards (One more revision to go! Taking all suggestions!)

[Todd]

Hi Lawrence,

Great poem! Let me give you some comments:

Props to Billy and Jack who helped me create this. I'll revise it one more time, and then I'm putting it away for two months. Have at it!

I do not trust my bedroom floor
At night, to keep its helpful form.--love the break on floor and the follow up in L2 very strong and cool opening. I normally am not attracted to rhyme but this entire piece has a nice creepiness to it
Its bowing boards, its croaking planks,
The nails that bind its rigid ranks--These two lines work well and build the momentum
Must dissipate as night evolves,--great word choice on dissipate and night evolves
And shadows loiter shopping malls,--this is one of my favorite lines
And when the strands of streetlights sign--sign felt a little off to me
The sidewalks with moronic lines
Of milky haze; I watch the face--good break on face and I love the addition of "of wood" on the next line
Of wood beneath my bed replace
Its boards with void, which arches up--nice sense of movement here
And paints the walls with cobalt dust.--love the line and the image
The ceiling zooms beyond my view,
The windows shut themselves, and soon-
I am alone.--nice surprising change up from the meter you've established. It gives the sense of building and building and then a quick stop. I really liked this.

This is a special loneliness---don't think this adds anything that I am alone didn't accomplish better
No rosary or crucifix
Fearfully clutched against my chest
Will make it easier to rest.
I look at where the clock is hung.
It’s like some taunting, ticking sun--gorgeous well-done image. I love ticking sun
Radiating seconds slowly.--radiated seconds extends the metaphor well
I watch night crawl like slime above me--I also stumbled here a bit. Maybe: The night crawls like slime above me.

Dawn comes like a lazy savior
Weakly waving rust-stained banners.--the dawn line falls a bit flat because it changes the mood to abruptly for me. I think if you led with this line and then followed with "Dawn comes..." It would be stronger.
Irritated, the void retreats;--I'd like you to show irratation here rather than just telling me
The floor returns. Some nights, I sleep--great line
Through this. That, I most dislike.
I wake, my room is warm with light.--maybe substitute now for is
The windows grin, no longer closed--love the image
The floor stares from its ordered rows-
The azure wallpaper, the clock---azure sounds too poetic. I'd find somethinng more simple
My nick-knacks in their proper spots.--Minor spelling: knick not nick
Outside, a sun-drenched cloud goes by---goes is too vague (drifts, floats, etc)
It’s all a sick and specious lie. --this line was a bit of a let down. I'd almost rather see something abrupt like earlier. "I am still alone" or something like it. The ending line as you have it feels too pat

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Great poem though! I hope the comments help.

Best,

Todd