Floorboards (One more revision to go! Taking all suggestions!)

[billy]

Props to Billy and Jack who helped me create this. I'll revise it one more time, and then I'm putting it away for two months. Have at it!

I do not trust my bedroom floor
At night, to keep its helpful form.
Its bowing boards, its croaking planks,
The nails that bind its rigid ranks
Must dissipate as night evolves,
And shadows loiter shopping malls,
And when the strands of streetlights sign
The sidewalks with moronic lines
Of milky haze; I watch the face
Of wood beneath my bed replace
Its boards with void, which arches up
And paints the walls with cobalt dust.
The ceiling zooms beyond my view,
The windows shut themselves, and soon-
I am alone.

This is a special loneliness-is this line needed, feels weal and telly
No rosary or crucifix
Fearfully clutched against my chest would 'fearful, cluctched against...work better.?
Will make it easier to rest.
I look at where the clock is hung.
It’s like some taunting, ticking sun
Radiating seconds slowly.
I watch night crawl like slime above me not sure why but this line bothers me a little, i think it's the meter being a tad to long

Dawn comes like a lazy savior
Weakly waving rust-stained banners.
Irritated, the void retreats;
The floor returns. Some nights, I sleep love this line
Through this. That, I most dislike.
I wake, my room is warm with light. feels a little weak, use an image
The windows grin, no longer closed like this line a lot, good image
The floor stares from its ordered rows-
The azure wallpaper, the clock-
My nick-knacks in their proper spots.
Outside, a sun-drenched cloud goes by-
It’s all a sick and specious lie. loved the last 4 lines though the last feel a little forced

i think you did really well on the edits lawrence, glad you stuck with it, i think the poem deserved it. most of what i said are just little nits really and as always jmo's.
i think the edit has made the poem much more stronger. the 2nd verse in the last edit felt a little washy/telly here it's sturdy. i saw the two floor's in the last verse but the repetition works for me.

in general the poem has really good meter and content, lots of imagery and metaphor going on which is always a good thing. not sure i'm to keen on some the "the's" though.

anyway, i think you did a splendid edit on it.

thanks for the read as always.