(02-20-2011, 03:24 PM)Lawrence Wrote: I do not trust my bedroom floorokay, we go from 1st person to 2nd person in the 2nd verse and it works okay, though it's a little shaky. for me what the verse needs is imagery, as much as you can cram into it. compared to the first verse it feels too telly and a tad weak. because it doesn't have a lot to show what's told carries little weight. after that great first verse i feel like something stronger should be slapping me in the face.
At night, to keep its helpful form.
Its bowing boards, its croaking planks,
The nails that bind its rigid ranks
Must dissipate as night evolves
And shadows loiter shopping malls
And when the strands of streetlights sign
My sidewalk with moronic lines
Of milky haze; I watch the face
Of wood beneath my bed replace
Its boards with black, its nails with void
And any structure be destroyed.
The ceiling, zooming out of view
The windows shut themselves, and soon
I am alone.
read my comments in the last edit about the above verse as nothings changed
This is a special loneliness-
Picture a shack in the wilderness is picture needed? is the line needed?
One small, unfurnished moon-lit den
Doors missing, ivy creeping in, would 'door' be better (it's a one room shack)
And you inside. Nearby, a book
Its cover titled, “DO NOT LOOK”; “DO NOT LOOK”; feels a little cheesy
Curious, you lift a corner feels weak
Nothing! You turn the cover over is 'over' needed
And scan its pages, each one blank-
You reach the end; written in black
Is your name, and the following words-
“And that is what your life is worth”
my advice would be to cut it to the bone and slap a strong dark image on every other line at least. what kind of light/shadows, what noises, use a few similes and metaphors.
everything is jmo to leave or discard lawrence. did you notice wordsworth? that made me smile.
thanks for the read as always
unlike the 1st verse, some of the end rhymes feel forced and overly slant