for me the form is much better in this edit.
and the end rhyme feels tighter, the changes made make the poem flow easier. i won't repeat anything said by lawrence.
the meter also works well. (something i never mentioned in the last edit)
the images are much improved for me as well.
i leave the grammar point to lawrence as mine is not that clever. his other point i won't reiterate except to say i agree with him, specially with the whip poor will line
i seriously think you're getting there with this piece jim. nice edit.
and the end rhyme feels tighter, the changes made make the poem flow easier. i won't repeat anything said by lawrence.
the meter also works well. (something i never mentioned in the last edit)
the images are much improved for me as well.
i leave the grammar point to lawrence as mine is not that clever. his other point i won't reiterate except to say i agree with him, specially with the whip poor will line
i seriously think you're getting there with this piece jim. nice edit.