02-14-2011, 06:08 AM
im doing this crit based on the fact i think it's about shuffling off this mortal coil;
more of the intent of just going. all in all i feel the couplet form isn't working as well as it could be Lawrence, maybe it would work better as a two verse poem.
the other thing is that in two of the couplets you use almost perfect rhyme, 3 if you count the penultimate one. which sort of makes it obvious to me that the others don't have any. more so when the two rhyming couplets are next to each other.
while it seems to have lots going for it standing back it feels a little weak. i see one good inage with the staff, other than that it's tell and no show.
for me it needs a larger than small edit
all jmo to take or disregard as you wish.
as always, thanks for the read.
(02-13-2011, 05:33 AM)Lawrence Wrote: I’m going to be the firsti enjoyed the last three couplets the most because they conveyed
To truly take his leave.
I will not flirt with the idea-
Clouds hang over earth
Only to pour down, but I-
I’m going to be the first. for some reason and i'm not sure why this analogy doesn't work well for me
I’ll never clutch a walking-staff
Down some barely-beaten path good image
Tend a fire in the woods-
Leaving people does no good. this is the 2nd rhyming couplet what about the others?
It fails, but I will be the first
To truly take his leave. i know these are couplest but is this line needed as it weakens the poem for me.
No, not with nooses, needles, should these thing be plural (how many times can one hang themselves)
Magic carpets, sex, or rockets
But by the buoyancy of loneliness.
Like a string-cut, transparent balloon
Pitied, set free, floating slow-
Along its empty, vertical road.
I will not pop, but go
And go... for me the poem ends here.
I will be the first
To truly take his leave.
more of the intent of just going. all in all i feel the couplet form isn't working as well as it could be Lawrence, maybe it would work better as a two verse poem.
the other thing is that in two of the couplets you use almost perfect rhyme, 3 if you count the penultimate one. which sort of makes it obvious to me that the others don't have any. more so when the two rhyming couplets are next to each other.
while it seems to have lots going for it standing back it feels a little weak. i see one good inage with the staff, other than that it's tell and no show.
for me it needs a larger than small edit
all jmo to take or disregard as you wish.
as always, thanks for the read.