02-11-2011, 06:14 AM
(02-06-2011, 04:51 PM)Ris Yerg Wrote: Sunset.Other than my gripes above, this is a charming short verse. I've read so many sunset poems that the first word made me wince a bit, but then my knee-jerk reaction was put to shame with the lines that followed.
Something came to an end -
Whispers in a crown of an old oak
A young, tired breeze. Would this couplet make sense the other way around, so "A young, tired breeze" leads into "Whispers"?
No, rustled the oak, something starts. The switch from past to present tense is a little jarring. Would this line work better like this: "No, it rustled the oak; something has started:"?
Night.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe