02-11-2011, 05:49 AM
I really like the concept of this poem, and with a few minor edits this could be brilliant. It's a bleak and cynical piece of verse which still retains a strange passion.
(02-08-2011, 06:37 PM)Ris Yerg Wrote: I ponder on a pattern of picture I drew. The syntax here doesn't quite make sense. Would "I ponder the pattern of a picture I drew" work better?
Flat landscape.
On flat grass shines flat morning dew. Great line.
Flat wind bends flat bushes, flat trees. Is the second "flat" needed?
A flat stag, in alarm, scents
Flat new prints in a breath.
A lot of images - one dimension for all.
Whether you're shapeless, a square or a ball.
And flat sound from picture of a flat copper bell, This line tripped me up a bit. Would it work better like this: "And the sound from a picture of a flat copper bell"?
Said: you are here.
You are a flat square dog in this hell. I f****** love this final line. The rhyme is exquisite, perfectly placed, and the image is unique, quietly terrifying.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe