Floorboards, second draft.

[billy]

THIS IS PART OF A LONGER POEM I'M WORKING ON
Thank you for your help.
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I cannot trust my bedroom floor
At night, to keep its daytime form,
Its bowing boards, its croaking planks,
The nails that bond its rigid ranks would bind better?
Must dissipate when lights are out [this feels better]
And hazy whispers haunt the house i prefer the lines in the original to the these three
And when my family sits and signs
The sandman’s contract’s dotted line the last two lines feels weak for me or out of character wit the rest of the poem
so for me the only edits i think work better are L,4 and L,5
It’s been this way since I was young
The floorboards melted with the sun with the sun or the moon. wouldn't they return with the light?
The clouds outside eclipsed the moon
The windows shut themselves, and soon
I was alone. But not the kind
Of isolation you could find
On ice-skinned mountains, empty homes
Containing silent telephones i think the cut off point works better here

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FIRST DRAFT
I cannot trust my bedroom floor
At night, to keep its daytime form,
Its bowing boards, its croaking planks,
The order of its rigid ranks
Must always melt away like sand
Slipping through an open hand
Till nothing buttresses my bed
But void beneath me, burning red

It’s been this way since I was young
The floorboards scurried from the sun
The clouds outside eclipsed the moon
The windows shut themselves, and soon
I was alone. But not the kind
Of isolation man could find
On ice-skinned mountains, empty homes
Containing silent telephones
No, The kind we only comprehend
Before the start, and at the end.

a couple of edit work a and a couple not so well for me Lawrence.

i can't wait till it's done. thanks for sharing.