02-09-2011, 07:04 PM
Here I go, with a line by line.
"The next best award would be, (7 Syllables)"
Okay....
"ah, yes, what women have given me.(9 Syllables)"
I'm immediately thrown off. "Ah, yes" seems superfluous to me.
Please try to avoid fillers. Other than that, I have nothing else
To say regarding these two lines
"Accolades of love, sex and sensuality"
Very abstract, and provides me with nothing too interesting
Or startling. It's also very "telly". And it's twelve syllables.
I'm not saying that you cannot take liberty with a form; I think
If you'd like to, then that's perfectly acceptable. I'm saying that most poets
Who want to rhyme like this stick to the old-fashioned because
Old-fashioned knows best. Meter is there to make you think
Beyond yourself; to put you into a trance and give the reader
A place to dwell in.
"imbued with varied scents and tonality."
Word liked "varied" are almost always weak, and I'm still
Not getting ANY imagery. The vocabulary is also a little over-the-top
For my tastes.
"But unlike notions of regret"
Again, I'd like to see illustration, please.
"it is best that I do not forgot,"
Do you mean forget? You didn't write this too
hastily, did you? If so, why?
Sonically, these two lines sound nice.
"The key to their magic kingdoms aside,"
PLEASE with "magic kingdoms" Abstract and cliche...
You can do better, I know it!
"They dwell in my heart wherever they reside."
Refer to previous comment.
"And from them there lies perennial joy.
Not a mere fabrication or mind-set ploy"
These two lines are alright. With rhythm, these
Two are keepers.
but a real and tactile memory
Adjectives, adjectives, adjectives. Nouns and verbs
(Along with very SHOCKING adjectives) stimulate the mind.
These are not shocking.
indelibly placed by this species of femininity."
Have you ever crossed paths with a women who wears
Too much perfume? That is the feeling I get with this
last line.
I hope I don't sound harsh. Most poems, if not all poems,
Posted here need to be heavily tempered and re-vamped.
Read it over, fill it with images and meter, and then I'd love
to see the second draft.
"The next best award would be, (7 Syllables)"
Okay....
"ah, yes, what women have given me.(9 Syllables)"
I'm immediately thrown off. "Ah, yes" seems superfluous to me.
Please try to avoid fillers. Other than that, I have nothing else
To say regarding these two lines
"Accolades of love, sex and sensuality"
Very abstract, and provides me with nothing too interesting
Or startling. It's also very "telly". And it's twelve syllables.
I'm not saying that you cannot take liberty with a form; I think
If you'd like to, then that's perfectly acceptable. I'm saying that most poets
Who want to rhyme like this stick to the old-fashioned because
Old-fashioned knows best. Meter is there to make you think
Beyond yourself; to put you into a trance and give the reader
A place to dwell in.
"imbued with varied scents and tonality."
Word liked "varied" are almost always weak, and I'm still
Not getting ANY imagery. The vocabulary is also a little over-the-top
For my tastes.
"But unlike notions of regret"
Again, I'd like to see illustration, please.
"it is best that I do not forgot,"
Do you mean forget? You didn't write this too
hastily, did you? If so, why?
Sonically, these two lines sound nice.
"The key to their magic kingdoms aside,"
PLEASE with "magic kingdoms" Abstract and cliche...
You can do better, I know it!
"They dwell in my heart wherever they reside."
Refer to previous comment.
"And from them there lies perennial joy.
Not a mere fabrication or mind-set ploy"
These two lines are alright. With rhythm, these
Two are keepers.
but a real and tactile memory
Adjectives, adjectives, adjectives. Nouns and verbs
(Along with very SHOCKING adjectives) stimulate the mind.
These are not shocking.
indelibly placed by this species of femininity."
Have you ever crossed paths with a women who wears
Too much perfume? That is the feeling I get with this
last line.
I hope I don't sound harsh. Most poems, if not all poems,
Posted here need to be heavily tempered and re-vamped.
Read it over, fill it with images and meter, and then I'd love
to see the second draft.