"Flat."

[WolfLarsen]

There's something I like here - or rather I see potential - but I'm not much good at critique. Keep going in this direction, defining shapes, etc. or don't keep going in this direction as you so choose. You know, I think it would be stronger without the rhyme. I don't mean rewrite it without the rhyme, but why not try without rhyme in the future? Or better yet why listen to me? I don't even listen to me! Ha ha!

Cheers!