02-02-2011, 11:23 AM
for me the the end rhymes work though some of them are slant.
that said the flow of the poem doesn't, it feels jerky, which boils down to intermittent meter change
on each line. the couplets as a whole (apart from the first and possibly the 4th) feel weak and full of cliché.
for me the poem needs a strong edit to leave only the barest of what you have.
please forgive me if the feedback offends, that is never my intention.
thanks for the read jim
that said the flow of the poem doesn't, it feels jerky, which boils down to intermittent meter change
on each line. the couplets as a whole (apart from the first and possibly the 4th) feel weak and full of cliché.
for me the poem needs a strong edit to leave only the barest of what you have.
please forgive me if the feedback offends, that is never my intention.
thanks for the read jim