Hi Lawrence,
You've taken a strong poem and made it better. I found the revision very strong. I really liked this addtion especially:
Each crunching step
Like a lone percussion
Adding sound was great.
You replaced rattlesnake with serpent. I'm mixed on this. Serpent works better sonically. However, serpent gives the sense of deception whereas rattlesnake gives the sense of danger. I prefer rattlesnake but it really depends on what you're trying to convey.
Same brilliant ending line.
Solid work.
Best,
Todd
You've taken a strong poem and made it better. I found the revision very strong. I really liked this addtion especially:
Each crunching step
Like a lone percussion
Adding sound was great.
You replaced rattlesnake with serpent. I'm mixed on this. Serpent works better sonically. However, serpent gives the sense of deception whereas rattlesnake gives the sense of danger. I prefer rattlesnake but it really depends on what you're trying to convey.
Same brilliant ending line.
Solid work.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson