01-26-2011, 10:36 AM
i think it transition just right, maybe a little enjambment might help improve it but that's nothing hard to do really 
and the "becum" word i think if one word could have marred the first part, that would have been it, either that or ghost busters lol.
no, i seriously feel with a very little work on the first part the whole poem could be a great as the 2nd part. the two style suite each other to an almost perfection for me. the rampant sexual fantasy of the 1st lending itself the long hurriedly read lines.
and the the shorter lines of retrospection, the pauses and the thoughts slow it right down. those concepts were for me spot on.
and the "becum" word i think if one word could have marred the first part, that would have been it, either that or ghost busters lol.
no, i seriously feel with a very little work on the first part the whole poem could be a great as the 2nd part. the two style suite each other to an almost perfection for me. the rampant sexual fantasy of the 1st lending itself the long hurriedly read lines.
and the the shorter lines of retrospection, the pauses and the thoughts slow it right down. those concepts were for me spot on.