i read this a few times yesterday but never got chance to reply due to making the site dissolve away while me and addy were working on it lmao.
first off i think both are good though the original feels to be condescending in the last verse.
while the first verse made it feel more tongue in cheek than it should have i think.
the edit is a horse of a different colour;
Somewhere a soldier lifts a football,
and never reaches base again,
a middle eastern woman wilts
beneath a rain of stones,
some young queer is beaten to death,
and I overcome my fear of the paternoster lift.
would something that equates with base work better than football, that way it would
have a clear more than one meaning. maybe bat, or ball?
is the 'but' needed? is my needed in the 3rd verse line 5
apart for those little nits i though the edit great. this is the 2nd poem i've replied to toady that i feel could be something in a book.
i loved every line in the last verse. and most of the others in the poem as well. the sexuality came through at the perfect strength
with a perfect lime macintosh, which didn't use the green word cos it was already used but echoed it just so instead, the picture fits much better
excellent edit jack, thanks for the read.
first off i think both are good though the original feels to be condescending in the last verse.
while the first verse made it feel more tongue in cheek than it should have i think.
the edit is a horse of a different colour;
Somewhere a soldier lifts a football,
and never reaches base again,
a middle eastern woman wilts
beneath a rain of stones,
some young queer is beaten to death,
and I overcome my fear of the paternoster lift.
would something that equates with base work better than football, that way it would
have a clear more than one meaning. maybe bat, or ball?
is the 'but' needed? is my needed in the 3rd verse line 5
apart for those little nits i though the edit great. this is the 2nd poem i've replied to toady that i feel could be something in a book.
i loved every line in the last verse. and most of the others in the poem as well. the sexuality came through at the perfect strength
with a perfect lime macintosh, which didn't use the green word cos it was already used but echoed it just so instead, the picture fits much better
excellent edit jack, thanks for the read.