Sorry Ladies, Generic Won't Do

[waitingforgodet]

The Christmas Song?

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Because the lines are rather long, this comes across like prose at times; ironically for a poem which applauds pubic hair, it could do with quite a bit of trimming

Pulling the panties off, always exciting, but what do I see? The syntax here sounds slightly clunky. Would it work better if you shortened it to: "As I pull off her panties what is it I see?"
Oh, no, another generic pussy. Are those commas needed? Also I think an exclamation mark after "pussy" might improve the impact.

What is it with these women regressing into pre-pubescence?
Such mendacity, the sameness of them all with this sacrilegious clearance. Too many words in this couplet (IMHO). Would it work better like this?:

"What is it with women and pre-pubescence,
This regression is simply sacrilegious clearance."

Or something along those lines.

Whatever happened to diversity, that individual scent? Is "to diversity," needed?
Since primordial times, honey, the veritable bush is what nature meant. Could this line be shortened to: "The primordial bush is what nature meant"?

That original rain forest, the wild and delectable morass.
Oh, to breath it in, to touch it, to look at it, to lay my cheek upon this v-shaped patch of grass. Would this couplet work better like so:

"That original forest, the wild morass,
To breathe [minor grammatcal note: in the context of your line, "breath" needs an "e," seeing as it's a verb] it in, to touch it, to stroke that soft grass."

But now gone. Is this the result of years of sufferance, the crowning achievement of sisterhood,
to become indistinguishable from the each other, to bring out the baldy brigade because you could? Much much much too long, I think. At least half the words here could be disposed of. Perhaps something like:

"But now gone; is this the result of the great sisterhood,
The baldy brigade who shaved 'cause they could?"

I beseech you, ladies, let the garden be;
afterall, it's an integral part of your sensuality. Is "an integral" needed? Simply "a part" would suffice.

Please, please, ladies, don't say no;
On the contrary, just let it grow, let it grow. Is the second "let it grow" required?

Sorry if it seems like I've re-written your work. I really did enjoy this piece - it's jolly and clever and fun - I just think it's a tad overwritten, and could do with some scaling back. Then you'd develop a smoother rhythm which would compliment the funny themes.

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This is fantastically clever, especially with that great title that did not let me know what to expect LOL.
Just a correction on line 10: "...indistinguishable from (the) each other...". I find that your lines are real gems, and would not suffer from a reduction here and there to improve flow and pack more punch in less. Personally I liked the repetition in the last line, only because it reminded me of the song "let it snow, let it snow" LOL . Perhaps that's just me.

Thanks for sharing this!

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Thank you, Addy. I think you've read the poem the way I wanted it to be read; ironically, more women, I think, have liked this poem more than men. Perhaps they are rethinking this whole business of shaving. As one woman put it to me: "I only do it because heeeeeee wants me to."

---

Because the lines are rather long, this comes across like prose at times; ironically for a poem which applauds pubic hair, it could do with quite a bit of trimming

Pulling the panties off, always exciting, but what do I see? The syntax here sounds slightly clunky. Would it work better if you shortened it to: "As I pull off her panties what is it I see?"
Oh, no, another generic pussy. Are those commas needed? Also I think an exclamation mark after "pussy" might improve the impact.

What is it with these women regressing into pre-pubescence?
Such mendacity, the sameness of them all with this sacrilegious clearance. Too many words in this couplet (IMHO). Would it work better like this?:

"What is it with women and pre-pubescence,
This regression is simply sacrilegious clearance."

Or something along those lines.

Whatever happened to diversity, that individual scent? Is "to diversity," needed?
Since primordial times, honey, the veritable bush is what nature meant. Could this line be shortened to: "The primordial bush is what nature meant"?

That original rain forest, the wild and delectable morass.
Oh, to breath it in, to touch it, to look at it, to lay my cheek upon this v-shaped patch of grass. Would this couplet work better like so:

"That original forest, the wild morass,
To breathe [minor grammatcal note: in the context of your line, "breath" needs an "e," seeing as it's a verb] it in, to touch it, to stroke that soft grass."

But now gone. Is this the result of years of sufferance, the crowning achievement of sisterhood,
to become indistinguishable from the each other, to bring out the baldy brigade because you could? Much much much too long, I think. At least half the words here could be disposed of. Perhaps something like:

"But now gone; is this the result of the great sisterhood,
The baldy brigade who shaved 'cause they could?"

I beseech you, ladies, let the garden be;
afterall, it's an integral part of your sensuality. Is "an integral" needed? Simply "a part" would suffice.

Please, please, ladies, don't say no;
On the contrary, just let it grow, let it grow. Is the second "let it grow" required?

Sorry if it seems like I've re-written your work. I really did enjoy this piece - it's jolly and clever and fun - I just think it's a tad overwritten, and could do with some scaling back. Then you'd develop a smoother rhythm which would compliment the funny themes.

---

The Christmas Song?

---

Because the lines are rather long, this comes across like prose at times; ironically for a poem which applauds pubic hair, it could do with quite a bit of trimming

Pulling the panties off, always exciting, but what do I see? The syntax here sounds slightly clunky. Would it work better if you shortened it to: "As I pull off her panties what is it I see?"
Oh, no, another generic pussy. Are those commas needed? Also I think an exclamation mark after "pussy" might improve the impact.

What is it with these women regressing into pre-pubescence?
Such mendacity, the sameness of them all with this sacrilegious clearance. Too many words in this couplet (IMHO). Would it work better like this?:

"What is it with women and pre-pubescence,
This regression is simply sacrilegious clearance."

Or something along those lines.

Whatever happened to diversity, that individual scent? Is "to diversity," needed?
Since primordial times, honey, the veritable bush is what nature meant. Could this line be shortened to: "The primordial bush is what nature meant"?

That original rain forest, the wild and delectable morass.
Oh, to breath it in, to touch it, to look at it, to lay my cheek upon this v-shaped patch of grass. Would this couplet work better like so:

"That original forest, the wild morass,
To breathe [minor grammatcal note: in the context of your line, "breath" needs an "e," seeing as it's a verb] it in, to touch it, to stroke that soft grass."

But now gone. Is this the result of years of sufferance, the crowning achievement of sisterhood,
to become indistinguishable from the each other, to bring out the baldy brigade because you could? Much much much too long, I think. At least half the words here could be disposed of. Perhaps something like:

"But now gone; is this the result of the great sisterhood,
The baldy brigade who shaved 'cause they could?"

I beseech you, ladies, let the garden be;
afterall, it's an integral part of your sensuality. Is "an integral" needed? Simply "a part" would suffice.

Please, please, ladies, don't say no;
On the contrary, just let it grow, let it grow. Is the second "let it grow" required?

Sorry if it seems like I've re-written your work. I really did enjoy this piece - it's jolly and clever and fun - I just think it's a tad overwritten, and could do with some scaling back. Then you'd develop a smoother rhythm which would compliment the funny themes.

---

This is fantastically clever, especially with that great title that did not let me know what to expect LOL.
Just a correction on line 10: "...indistinguishable from (the) each other...". I find that your lines are real gems, and would not suffer from a reduction here and there to improve flow and pack more punch in less. Personally I liked the repetition in the last line, only because it reminded me of the song "let it snow, let it snow" LOL . Perhaps that's just me.

Thanks for sharing this!

---

Thank you, Addy. I think you've read the poem the way I wanted it to be read; ironically, more women, I think, have liked this poem more than men. Perhaps they are rethinking this whole business of shaving. As one woman put it to me: "I only do it because heeeeeee wants me to."

---

Because the lines are rather long, this comes across like prose at times; ironically for a poem which applauds pubic hair, it could do with quite a bit of trimming

Pulling the panties off, always exciting, but what do I see? The syntax here sounds slightly clunky. Would it work better if you shortened it to: "As I pull off her panties what is it I see?"
Oh, no, another generic pussy. Are those commas needed? Also I think an exclamation mark after "pussy" might improve the impact.

What is it with these women regressing into pre-pubescence?
Such mendacity, the sameness of them all with this sacrilegious clearance. Too many words in this couplet (IMHO). Would it work better like this?:

"What is it with women and pre-pubescence,
This regression is simply sacrilegious clearance."

Or something along those lines.

Whatever happened to diversity, that individual scent? Is "to diversity," needed?
Since primordial times, honey, the veritable bush is what nature meant. Could this line be shortened to: "The primordial bush is what nature meant"?

That original rain forest, the wild and delectable morass.
Oh, to breath it in, to touch it, to look at it, to lay my cheek upon this v-shaped patch of grass. Would this couplet work better like so:

"That original forest, the wild morass,
To breathe [minor grammatcal note: in the context of your line, "breath" needs an "e," seeing as it's a verb] it in, to touch it, to stroke that soft grass."

But now gone. Is this the result of years of sufferance, the crowning achievement of sisterhood,
to become indistinguishable from the each other, to bring out the baldy brigade because you could? Much much much too long, I think. At least half the words here could be disposed of. Perhaps something like:

"But now gone; is this the result of the great sisterhood,
The baldy brigade who shaved 'cause they could?"

I beseech you, ladies, let the garden be;
afterall, it's an integral part of your sensuality. Is "an integral" needed? Simply "a part" would suffice.

Please, please, ladies, don't say no;
On the contrary, just let it grow, let it grow. Is the second "let it grow" required?

Sorry if it seems like I've re-written your work. I really did enjoy this piece - it's jolly and clever and fun - I just think it's a tad overwritten, and could do with some scaling back. Then you'd develop a smoother rhythm which would compliment the funny themes.

Hi, Jack. I don't know if you got my reply or not--still having trouble navigating the website, but I am stumbling along. I agree that "pussy" should have an exclamation point or be written as pussyeeeeeee for effect and you're right with a few better placed punctuation marks; however, although the lines you rewrote are shorter, I don't think they work as well, not as powerfull, really, don't have the impact of an angry guy who doesn't like what he's seeing out there, rather, what he's seeing down there. What I really liked about your critique was the thorough manner in which you did it taking the time to break it down as you did. Thank you. p.s. please let me know that you've received this reply, so I'll know I pressed the right box--Jim