Sleep

[heslopian]

My review is of the new version.

“You are a red balloon
The earth cannot possess.
As consciousness forfeits its grip,
You feel yourself ascending- I don't really like these dashes you use. They seem a tad sloppy and vague. A semi-colon would do fine.
No more than a shrinking drop
Of blood upon the skin of sky.”

He sighs. Tonight,
Sleep won’t be seduced. Shouldn't sleep be the seducer here? The way you personify sleep makes it sound passive, which I don't think was your intention. Would the line work better like this: "Tonight/he won't succumb to sleep."
At least, not that kind. I don't understand this line.
Yes, Tonight, the mind Why have you capitalised "Tonight"?
Is a screaming train
Dragging its breaks
On rails of thought. This train metaphor is somewhat cliche, belonging to romantic fiction, whereas I see you more as a realist.

Outside,
Even the moon is sleeping Is "Even" needed? I'd suggest ditching it and bringing "Outside" down a line.
Behind blankets of smoke. Would "In" work better than "Behind"? This is probably a personal thing; I have my own esoteric sense of rhythm. So esoteric it's only relevant to me
Sometimes, a low shine
Finds its way to the window
But that's just nature,
Playing jokes. Of these last four lines, the first two are rather cliche, but are well justified by their successors, which highlight the fact that they are cliches, and thus show some delicious self-awareness.

While earth,
Earth is alive with music- Would this opening work better like so: "Earth, however,/Is alive with music"?
Winter air, tires on snow, I think "ice" would work better than "snow." The sound evoked in the reader's mind would, I feel, have more impact.
The scent of pine even
Rings through night like a note- Is "even" needed?
Filling him with the weight of life
And time and memory- Would this line work better with a comma after "life," and a removal of the "And" before "time"? Again this could just be my esoteric rhythm.
An empty chair, distant
footsteps treading stairs;
Lying there, tied in the twine
Of night. Excellent last four lines.

He gazes out of the window. Is "of" really needed?

Eventually, sleep arrives. Do you need the comma?
Not with the lightness of
A red balloon, but concrete tied
To the soul; blood becoming iron-
And consciousness, a sinking ship
Nose pointed down, towards the abyss I think the end would work better if you placed a comma after "ship," and removed the one following "down." Other than that this is a smashing close.

A charming and haunted poem, filled with a soft melancholy which envelops the reader gradually, rather like sleep itself Or a hug from a stranger in the dark.