01-13-2011, 04:31 AM
I don't have much of a qualm with stanza one, other than the last three lines sound clumsy. The reiteration of "the" might be what is throwing it off, although I'm not too sure.
Stanza two is off to an awesome start, but I stumbled over-
"like that nightmare test
you forgot"
I think "a", rather than "that, sounds smoother. That would also change the next two lines, so feel free to discard what I'm saying.
It’s the exposure
punctuated by flies
on the dying
grass.
Is "the" needed in the previous stanza?
Other than that, I like it a lot. I'm quite sick, so my brain is not working very well :/. I'll think about my interpretation.
Stanza two is off to an awesome start, but I stumbled over-
"like that nightmare test
you forgot"
I think "a", rather than "that, sounds smoother. That would also change the next two lines, so feel free to discard what I'm saying.
It’s the exposure
punctuated by flies
on the dying
grass.
Is "the" needed in the previous stanza?
Other than that, I like it a lot. I'm quite sick, so my brain is not working very well :/. I'll think about my interpretation.