01-12-2011, 11:56 AM
(please try and put them o the same page to save us work, and tell us it's an edit; take a look at how todd did his last edit, thanks)
let look at the edit:
It’s winter. The sun better and direct
It tries to keep itself alive-
Resisting death like
A child resists bedtime.
But that tantrum is too tiring.
It resigns, secretly at peace while i did love the nail thing you had going on, this for me is a more solid simile and woks better than the nail metaphor.
He smiles.
To him, it’s satisfaction. i'm on the fence with this part, leaning towards the fact it does add something,
He collects his coat
and steps out into the city.
It’s not too cold, so tonight
He’ll walk as far as the park.
He looks upward; the moon
Is a broken monocle
Glowing with sagacious light.
It’s odd. Weeks ago, it was Christmas-
Wires woven onto windows,
Bulbs illuminating snow-
It almost makes you forget
That the moon exists at all. 'is at' all needed?
this extension of the original verse works well it ties in with the title. and gives more depth and lends character to the he and the coat.
The park is a white carpet
Crowded with fern trees.
Even late at night,
It’s the only place
That escapes the city.
No man is an island, [for me this line is way too cliché (frank drebban could be speaking it)]
But cities, cities leave you landlocked.
apart from the cliché i found this a worthy addition. again it adds content and depth to and for the coat in the title. plus it's a good verse.
He sits on the bench, thinks
Of the sun. Happy-
That there’s nothing here for him.
with these three line i get the feeling the guy is a free spirit. no sense of depression or disturbed emotions. for me it shows someone whose at peace with himself
for me this is a far better poem with the edit. the title change makes it work much better as do the additions to the piece. and excellent edit [jmo]
let look at the edit:
It’s winter. The sun better and direct
It tries to keep itself alive-
Resisting death like
A child resists bedtime.
But that tantrum is too tiring.
It resigns, secretly at peace while i did love the nail thing you had going on, this for me is a more solid simile and woks better than the nail metaphor.
He smiles.
To him, it’s satisfaction. i'm on the fence with this part, leaning towards the fact it does add something,
He collects his coat
and steps out into the city.
It’s not too cold, so tonight
He’ll walk as far as the park.
He looks upward; the moon
Is a broken monocle
Glowing with sagacious light.
It’s odd. Weeks ago, it was Christmas-
Wires woven onto windows,
Bulbs illuminating snow-
It almost makes you forget
That the moon exists at all. 'is at' all needed?
this extension of the original verse works well it ties in with the title. and gives more depth and lends character to the he and the coat.
The park is a white carpet
Crowded with fern trees.
Even late at night,
It’s the only place
That escapes the city.
No man is an island, [for me this line is way too cliché (frank drebban could be speaking it)]
But cities, cities leave you landlocked.
apart from the cliché i found this a worthy addition. again it adds content and depth to and for the coat in the title. plus it's a good verse.
He sits on the bench, thinks
Of the sun. Happy-
That there’s nothing here for him.
with these three line i get the feeling the guy is a free spirit. no sense of depression or disturbed emotions. for me it shows someone whose at peace with himself
for me this is a far better poem with the edit. the title change makes it work much better as do the additions to the piece. and excellent edit [jmo]