01-12-2011, 11:27 AM
first off comments on the edit:
edit;
It is the scream of the eyes
beyond the mouth,
the release and the return
beneath the dividing line,
it feels less than the original without the horse line. i am profusely sorry to say that the original is better
(for me)
the separation,
shadows coalescing,
to know and be fully known.
i prefer the edited rearrangement of the last and the penultimate verse. feels much sharper
original;
It is the scream of the eyes
beyond the mouth
It is the horse?
Yes, it is the horse.
That is the horse!
It is the release and the return
beneath the dividing line,
the separation,
shadows coalescing,
to know and be fully known.
the reason for my 1st comment.
i think i get it. the reasoning of the horse being important. it came to me like a epiphany (i think i used that word once before)
and as usual it's in the effin title (this is why titles are often integral to the poem)
we the reader are looking back in time, the horse is a cave painting and the writer is describing the emotion of how what he sees affects him, in effect he transports us back.
the writer is inside the time when the cave was alive and with one line of ambiguity could be asking;
what have we done/when will we do something, we're waiting for you to become the artist for your own horse.
seriously todd it's like a revelation. i see what you meant, what the picture of the horse was. it's the picture on the cave wall we always remember. of course i probably got it all wrong and received some other persons revelation but that's all good. i got something great from it and it's all that matters. please keep the horse (jmo)
edit;
It is the scream of the eyes
beyond the mouth,
the release and the return
beneath the dividing line,
it feels less than the original without the horse line. i am profusely sorry to say that the original is better
(for me)the separation,
shadows coalescing,
to know and be fully known.
i prefer the edited rearrangement of the last and the penultimate verse. feels much sharper
original;
It is the scream of the eyes
beyond the mouth
It is the horse?
Yes, it is the horse.
That is the horse!
It is the release and the return
beneath the dividing line,
the separation,
shadows coalescing,
to know and be fully known.
the reason for my 1st comment.
i think i get it. the reasoning of the horse being important. it came to me like a epiphany (i think i used that word once before)
and as usual it's in the effin title (this is why titles are often integral to the poem)
we the reader are looking back in time, the horse is a cave painting and the writer is describing the emotion of how what he sees affects him, in effect he transports us back.
the writer is inside the time when the cave was alive and with one line of ambiguity could be asking;
what have we done/when will we do something, we're waiting for you to become the artist for your own horse.
seriously todd it's like a revelation. i see what you meant, what the picture of the horse was. it's the picture on the cave wall we always remember. of course i probably got it all wrong and received some other persons revelation but that's all good. i got something great from it and it's all that matters. please keep the horse (jmo)