Hi Lawrence,
I read this poem and I like it. I won't go through a detailed line-by-line but one thing struck me as problematic (could of course just be me). Here it is:
Outside, It’s winter. The sun
Sinks into a hammock
Of oaks and rusted fire;
It tries to keep itself alive-
Resisting death like
A child resists bedtime.
But that tantrum is too tiring.
It resigns, secretly at peace
This is really cool writing. I absolutely love of oaks and rusted fire. I also like what your doing with the entire hammock metaphor. Here's my small issue, I think you need to consider replacing alive in L4 with awake. You can still use death in the following lines but I think you need to carry the idea of your metaphor through to its conclusion. I found the shift as you have it a little jarring and frankly needless.
Just my take.
Best,
Todd
I read this poem and I like it. I won't go through a detailed line-by-line but one thing struck me as problematic (could of course just be me). Here it is:
Outside, It’s winter. The sun
Sinks into a hammock
Of oaks and rusted fire;
It tries to keep itself alive-
Resisting death like
A child resists bedtime.
But that tantrum is too tiring.
It resigns, secretly at peace
This is really cool writing. I absolutely love of oaks and rusted fire. I also like what your doing with the entire hammock metaphor. Here's my small issue, I think you need to consider replacing alive in L4 with awake. You can still use death in the following lines but I think you need to carry the idea of your metaphor through to its conclusion. I found the shift as you have it a little jarring and frankly needless.
Just my take.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson