01-08-2011, 06:16 PM
(01-08-2011, 05:30 PM)Lawrence Wrote: People always say that silence is golden- [sometimes instead of always might be more believable]apart from a couple of nits i think this could be publishable. not heavy, a well worked through idea with lots of great lines. it reads well and sounds good when read aloud. for me it's a definite keeper Lawrence.
As if it were some sort of ore. [nice opening couplet that leaves us wondering what comes next]
Could you see us mining it? [no question mark needed as you don't require an answer]
Tractors hauling earth by town libraries, [love this line]
The rhythm of jackhammers about forests, ['about' is right but it doesn't feel right]
Astronauts, swinging their picks [original and solidly good]
In search of the sacred metal. [scarred or sacred]
Who knows-
I might find some nuggets myself.
Perhaps the dead fly on my windowsill
Is hiding a pebble between his wings. [pebble doesn't work so well, maybe some dust]
We’d wear jewelry of silence, too- [jewellery unless thats an american spelling]
A blacksmith would whisper over a bar
And watch its melting liquid drip into a ring- [mixed metaphor blacksmiths don't work gold unless he hammers it and even then he'd be a goldsmith]
Meaning, we would propose with silence.
I’d spend all of my savings; present my lover
With the stillness of an Alaskan mountain
Crowned by the hush of birch branches. [what a great finish]
thanks for posting it.
