01-07-2011, 10:19 AM
it's feels a bit tongue in cheek and a little away from the jack i've read before.
it's also prosy. that said.
i think the 1st verse is great. no nits or changes there.
for me the dialogue works in the first verse but feels a little too much in the 2nd.
would;
Auntie doesn't see ... allow the dialogue to become your thought instead of your words?
other than that nit it's really enjoyable piece. i love the 'could' in italics. there's a lot to like about this jack.
thanks for the read as always.
it's also prosy. that said.
i think the 1st verse is great. no nits or changes there.
for me the dialogue works in the first verse but feels a little too much in the 2nd.
would;
Auntie doesn't see ... allow the dialogue to become your thought instead of your words?
other than that nit it's really enjoyable piece. i love the 'could' in italics. there's a lot to like about this jack.
thanks for the read as always.