A Poem For My Private Parts

[cigarbabe]

Thank you for the kind words and feedback, Todd. Recently I've been trying to practice more economy of words, so I'll go back and remove those unecessary bits, though I think I'll keep the "my" before "fingers." Without it, to me, it just doesn't seem right.

Hi Jack,

Perhaps a subject we should all write about.

Comments in the lines:

I have exploded again. --great opening given the title
Leaking my fluids, I stifle a scream,--at every point that I can have you delete a "my" I'd like you to. Some lines you absolutely need them this one you could cut.
as my skull hits the headboard
and my fingers become lost--maybe cut my again here.
in the forest of my pubic hair,--and again maybe cut my
beset by the useless teenage seed--just an opinion but maybe substitute the with this. Good line. Useless teenage seed is great
I was warned against using on comely lasses.

I am running, I am running,
towards a point of light
not far from here, somewhere in the distance,
a flashlight in a dark classroom,
after school has finished. I never reach it.
The book always ends with me still running,
an ellipses at the end of the page,
and then the Author's Note,
beneath a picture of a boy sighing,
wiping himself down with his sleeve,
and dreaming of violation, control.
Romance through dominance.--this entire part just takes off for me and while I can see some possible cuts they would be mostly style choices and the lines work well as they are. I love your repetition

And now the falling backwards.--this period feels wrong here. I also want to cut the "the" but that could just be me
The blue walls like receptionists--This is really cool
who take your new prescription,
stamp it, and then send you on your way.
The pale morning sunshine slices--like this line. It seems to imply that what is done in darkness isn't what hurts it's the realization after. It's a nice image
my face like a razor.--plays well on the previous line break. I like this
I've bled the dream out through my genitals.
And now the stale smell of yesterday's dinner,--there's something wasted about these two lines (spent). They are very good
dumped in a sack on my bed's upper bunk
(my father's a terrible cook) returns,--Might just be a preference but I'd prefer to cut this and go straight to the next line
choking me with its grey realism,
its lack of come and purple thoughts.--love the final two lines

Effective and strong Jack. Great work here.

Best,

Todd

Thank you for the kind words and feedback, Todd. Recently I've been trying to practice more economy of words, so I'll go back and remove those unecessary bits, though I think I'll keep the "my" before "fingers." Without it, to me, it just doesn't seem right.

I was going to say to Jack that,if he removes the my from these lines, "my fingers" and "my pubic hair", who's fingers and hair would he be talking about?
It wouldn't make any sense to me as a reader of the poem which, I adore!
Just my2 cents! [Image: http://serve.mysmiley.net/evilgrin/evilgrin0010.gif]
C.B.