01-06-2011, 11:09 AM
(12-22-2010, 05:24 AM)Todd Wrote: Revision
Our words are phosphorus; i liked the use of tongues in the previous
they rasp against a scaffold
of dry pines, i like that first verse now leaves us to imagine the danger of dry pine and phosphorous
melt unspoken apologies
like sugar cubes. would tie in with tongues
In this lick of despair, would tie in with tongues, i love this line because lick works on more than one level
this unexpected edge
of hunger,
there is no reviving
downpour; these clouds hold
only kerosene
to soak our skin,
compress it like rags
deep within this tinderbox.
this edit is for me, much keener. more grippable if that's a word. i get more of the feel of the situation, apart from the word to tongue i don't think i'd change a thing. good edit from my pov todd.
Original
Our tongues had become phosphorus,
abraded words
evaporated in this taste
of despair,
this unexpected edge
of hunger.
The years had formed a scaffold
of dry pines,
a home of orange embers.
Our skin compressed into kerosene-
soaked rags within
this tinderbox.
slight edit: changed rolled to compressed