A Weavers Daughter.

[billy]

Hi Billy,

Echoing Jack's comments on full stops. The last two lines are brilliant. I really dislike pain being used. It could just be me but I hate the abstraction of it. I would almost rather see some mystery and substitute it with "what".

That said, I do really like this though.

Best,

Todd

thanks for the feedback todd. i'll do an edit of the poem in a short while and take the pain point into consideration.

here's the edit, nothing drastic. just done with a few of the points of jack and todd.

1st Edit

Out of the sound of the weaving shed
workers vexed from thoughts of debt and lay-offs,
end their shift and surge onto the cotton-bailed yard.
Her bloom came to me like a crisp breeze blown,
sprite-elfin swagger and head held high.
Her eyes hid what her mouth would never utter.
By the thousands, Men die in god’s name.
Yet he dares to create such beauty.

---

Original
Out of the sound of the weaving shed, workers
vexed from thoughts of debt and lay-offs;
end shift and surge onto their cotton-bailed yard
Her bloom came to me like a crisp breeze blown,
sprite-elfin swagger and head held high.
Her eyes hid pain her mouth would never utter
By the thousands, Men die in god’s name
Yet he dares to create such beauty