01-06-2011, 08:38 AM
The revision is far superior to the original. It's much more concise and neatly structured, getting to the core of what you're trying to say. Most of the changes I would make are just personal aesthetic choices. Thanks for the read and great write.
(12-22-2010, 05:24 AM)Todd Wrote: Revision
Our words are phosphorus;
they rasp against a scaffold
of dry pines, I would make the line break just after "a."
melt unspoken apologies
like sugar cubes.
In this lick of despair,
this unexpected edge I would break after "unexpected."
of hunger,
there is no reviving
downpour; these clouds hold
only kerosene
to soak our skin,
compress it like rags
deep within this tinderbox. I would place the comma after "rags," as I think that would add oomph to the very last line. Also I think I'd replace "this" with either "a" or "the."
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe