01-05-2011, 08:05 AM
(01-02-2011, 04:16 PM)Lawrence Wrote: Yesterday’s snow sits frozen on my sidewalk
Embracing the fossils of yesterday. Perfect. Melancholy and strong.
Yesterday, autumn reclaimed the sky for awhile,
And clouds wept themselves like oak trees, yesterday. I don't quite understand the phrase "wept themselves." What does that mean? Would it work better like this: "And clouds wept rain like oak trees shed leaves, yesterday"?
Yesterday, before rain and its erasers craft came Why is the word "craft" in there?
And tried to wash away the wine-glasses and footprints of yesterday. Are the "wine-glasses" really needed? Also, this may be just a personal thing, but I think I would have written footfalls instead of "footprints."
Yesterday, when I felt flint strike steel and the comfort of a closing- The syntax feels rather awkward here. What's closing? I think it might be easier to read if you ended that first line with a full stop instead of a dash. Then the reader would be sure that the sentence is over.
Heard the book slam shut upon itself, yesterday.
Yesterday shall sit like a hand-print sunken into sand
And I will not welcome anything else. Perfect. Again, melancholy and strong. Gives satisfying closure to the piece.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe