12-22-2010, 12:50 PM
i read it a few times but never had time to give proper feedback,
is 'red' needed? for me it takes away from the phosphorus i understand you mean (i think i do lol) red phosphorus but the enjambment weakens it. i like phosphorus, abraded words on it's own though that way it feels really strong.
i like the piece but it feels like it's trying too hard. i think it could do with a couple of down to earth images interspersed with the great metaphors. i like everything you have here, i just think it needs grounding a little.
is 'red' needed? for me it takes away from the phosphorus i understand you mean (i think i do lol) red phosphorus but the enjambment weakens it. i like phosphorus, abraded words on it's own though that way it feels really strong.
i like the piece but it feels like it's trying too hard. i think it could do with a couple of down to earth images interspersed with the great metaphors. i like everything you have here, i just think it needs grounding a little.