12-20-2010, 09:15 AM
i like this one a lot.
one nit. would the last two lines read better as;
television screen, as I drink lemonade
and drink and become erect. don't ask me why, maybe the thought of drinking lemonade after getting a stiffy wouldn't be my first choice of action.
i like the earthiness of this jack. it feels real, it doesn't feel contrived. i think many poems do, i know many of mine do at least and that's because i suppose they are.
this on the other hand feels lived in and lived out
hang on, just read it again for the umph time;
like fresh fish, from my (it feels a little disjointed )
for me the line should end at fish or continue to screen.
back to the praise; aoart from those two minuscule points i think this is one my faves of yours.
thanks for the read
one nit. would the last two lines read better as;
television screen, as I drink lemonade
and drink and become erect. don't ask me why, maybe the thought of drinking lemonade after getting a stiffy wouldn't be my first choice of action.
i like the earthiness of this jack. it feels real, it doesn't feel contrived. i think many poems do, i know many of mine do at least and that's because i suppose they are.
this on the other hand feels lived in and lived out
hang on, just read it again for the umph time;
like fresh fish, from my (it feels a little disjointed )
for me the line should end at fish or continue to screen.
back to the praise; aoart from those two minuscule points i think this is one my faves of yours.
thanks for the read