How to Count Sheep

[cigarbabe]

How to count Sheep

Spare yourself from distractions
Tear the television’s electric IV [would 'IV' read better as 'I.V. line']
From its socket-
Coil and toss it
Into the shoe box
Sitting in your closet
While you’re at it,
Do away with that phone, too. ['too' is redundant]
We wouldn’t want someone calling you, [is 'you' better than 'we' as an opener, is 'you' needed]
Because that fifteen minute guitar solo
From “freebird” isn’t the most meditive music. [i like these two lines but i think something more apt and less poetical is needed, maybe double glazing or something]

If you’ve eliminated every annoyance [ 'once' or 'when' instead of 'if']
Sink into your living room sofa .
Now, look at the back of your eyelids [is 'now' needed]
You should see a pitch-black pasture
So dark, it appears as if
The moon and stars have been stolen
Leaving only a featureless face.

But don’t panic, the sun isn’t bashful here [is 'but' needed]
Ask him, and he will come [ask him feels a bit too poetical, would 'wait' work better]
Peeking above the barn
Like a floating bulb [bulb as a simile here doesn't work for me]
Illuminating grass, [grass feels weak in connection with the last three lines of the stanza, how about 'wheat or maze or rapeseed or something else']
Tangled wire,
The farmhills dotted with cows [is 'the ' needed]
Lost in their grazing.

You can get the stars back, too.
Thousands, or a few
Of white pinholes poked through the sky [is 'of' needed]
You might prefer this. It’s night,
So the cows are all locked away.
If they don’t particularly moove you. [moove is too cheesy a pun in connection with cow, is it a poem or a parody? a good verse]

You can see the fence, Yes? [these 3 lines feel trite and unneeded]
(If not, skip this verse)
It’s probably day-
Soon, the hoofed balls of white wool
Will come pouring from the barn [would 'pour from the barn' work better than 'come pouring from the barn']
And sail, one by one, over the pickets
Landing safely outside of your vision
To graze, as weariness pulls its dark curtain
Over your consciousness. [ great four lines]

If it’s night, you’re reading this- [is 'you’re reading this' needed]
The sheep might not be confident
Hopping a fence they can’t see
So they will likely turn toward the moon
And lift their brittle legs, leaping
Over the glowing opal set in the sky-
Growing smaller and smaller
As they drift into the dark-
Follow them out-
Until the pasture comes apart. [this verse is really likeable]

the title feels a little too predictable
so much to like with this one. a few too many packing words that don't add, but a small edit would sort those out.
some good images the last 3 verse are my faves. the poem reds and flows well even with the extra packing.
thanks for the read as always Lawrence (jmo)

I loved it just as it is.
I'm sure the little tweaks they've suggested
would also trim it up a tiny bit?
Mostly I just want to {and I'll do it again!}
say I really liked this poem so thank you for letting me read it!
C.B.