(12-01-2010, 07:51 AM)Todd Wrote: First Kiss (Revision)first off; for me there are way too many - (minus signs)
You smelled like imitation
perfume sold in gas stations—
plastic gardenias.
A too-tight, too-pink
sweater sliding up. [a great extended image]
Hands careless, searching,
face rising—a terrible moon.
taste of cranberries—rougher
than I’d imagined.
You were like a starving crow [is 'like' needed?]
plucking pieces from an apple. [great two lines]
A knock, muffled words
pretending to play chess
as he came in to watch
us make move
after move.
and second; a terrible moon. i'm struggling to comprehend it. (though it could just be my stupidity hehe)
the revision is much better in too many ways to mention. the main one being it's a much tighter write. the enjambment in the last verse feels a little off for me.
well worth the read. thanks todd.