Love Poem

[Todd]

Hi Jack,

The revision really kicked it up a notch. I love how the opening is totally unexpected now (especially for a love poem). The S4 and S5 switch also makes the images you're working with pop out more (which is great).

I think it's a very effective poem. The ending couplet doesn't bother me enough to pull it necessarily, but I am a big fan of ending and beginning poems on the strongest lines (which I don't always do myself--so apart from that minor thing haha). Another option for you would be to go with something like this:

Winter spies us curled like bugs
round sheaths of wheat.

The take out cartons,
empty cola cans,

books unread
and battered shoes,

I grind my erection
against your kneecap,

you smile in your sleep
and pull me closer.

like a photograph
developing backwards

slowly fade
into the dark,

beginning with a scene
and ending in a blur.

I like that change because of what blur implies. Oh well, it's a good poem as you have it. I just wanted to pass another option your way.

Best,

Todd