11-25-2010, 10:36 AM
Great poem LF. The set-up, with the mind as the sea, really drew me in, and it carried well throughout the poem.
Very minor quibbles, in the first stanza maybe you could use a different word from "redeemed" (sounds more like bottlecaps or coupons, but maybe that's just me LOL). Also, there seems to be a pivotal moment between the fifth and the last stanza, when the protagonist ultimately decides to leave the stability of the shore he had somehow sought and go back to the sea's tempest... I wanted to get more of a sense of that important shift at that point. But as I said, just minor suggestions. Thanks for posting this
Very minor quibbles, in the first stanza maybe you could use a different word from "redeemed" (sounds more like bottlecaps or coupons, but maybe that's just me LOL). Also, there seems to be a pivotal moment between the fifth and the last stanza, when the protagonist ultimately decides to leave the stability of the shore he had somehow sought and go back to the sea's tempest... I wanted to get more of a sense of that important shift at that point. But as I said, just minor suggestions. Thanks for posting this
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?