Lillith Incarnate (content warning)

[Todd]

Hello Mrs-Sin,

Welcome to the site. It's good to see your poem. Here are some comments for you (use what you like, ignore the rest).

This strikes as a bit of a hybrid. You have poetic-prose, you have a repeating refrain, and beyond that you reuse some of your phrasing throughout. So from the title, we seem to be dealing with Lilith (depending on where you want to go with it: Adam's first wife made from the same clay as him, forsoke the garden due to a refusal to serve, in some cultures a demon. That she is Lilith Incarnate makes me think that just as "The word became flesh and dwelt among us" Lilith this force of darkness and terror has also been clothed in flesh. She has substance beyond the concept of what she represents.

I'm going to make some extreme comments throughout. I do like a lot of this, but may suggest some sweeping changes. I hope you don't mind. I have nothing against prose-poems and a mix of styles. I do think though that the prose opening here doesn't draw us in quick enough. I would be interested to see if you could enhance the pace by going with shorter lines like you use in your refrain.


The door whispers open, and a serpent clad in darkness slithers out--this seems to be a reference to the serpent in the garden--an allusion to Lilith as the second rebel

If you wanted to rework the opening in verse this line is good. You could cut the "and" and break this into two or three lines.

My eyes search the emptiness of our ‘home’ and I make my way unerring;--I'm not sure you need this line. It slows things down to much without building tension. I would consider cutting it.


It’s your turn for a visit tonight, so here I come;--if you cut "here" you add an extra meaning to come, and it has more of a finality to it.

Racking your body with chills and tremors of pleasure--maybe shift tense to Rack and lead in with "to rack..."

I’ll leave you torn and broken
Gasping your last breath in rapture--This reads well. It has a nice clipped sound to it. Optionally, you could pull Gasping up after broken to enjamb the line and sort of layer it all in an interesting way. Though that may not be the best suggestion because it could kill the rhythm (if it wasn't a repeated refrain it wouldn't be as big a deal but it might be now)...just thinking as I go.

Restraints stained with blood and arousal
Want to play black cat and mouse?--These lines are great and fully sum up what the victims (albeit somewhat willing) are experiencing.


These hallways cannot own me
The cages cannot keep me
My lust cannot be sated
I’ll drain you dry tonight.--I do like this section especially these hallways cannot own me. I was also thinking that I'll drain you dry tonight is likely a sexual draining (succubus) as opposed to blood--though I'm sure blood is involved

Here's a thought: Everytime you repeat these refrains there is a tendency to strip them of a bit of their power. What was cool initially becomes expected. While I do like that refrain and the previous one, maybe you could break between the strophes with a pair of lines culled from each of these sections and then at the end bring them together. For example:

After S1 you could put:

I’ll leave you torn and broken
These hallways cannot own me

Then after the current S4 you could write:

Gasping your last breath in rapture
The cages cannot keep me

and so on at the end you could reintegrate them in their current form and introduce the fourth lines for the first time. It may allow you to hit harder and mix it up a bit. Oh well, crazy thought.

I’m calmed for the day, watching the panic with smug wild eyes--maybe some image here like animals fleeing a predator

Police with sombre faces, fear oozing from everyone’s pores--the fear oozing line is a bit predictable maybe put more fear into the previous lines and just deal with the police reaction here and the threat

“Who could do something like this?” Remember where you are, my pets.
Someone else shall be my victim tonight.--You might be able to cut "where you are". You also may want to make it more imminent and change the final part to a question as if she's musing Who shall be my victim tonight?"

I’ll leave you torn and broken
Gasping your last breath in rapture
Restraints stained with blood and arousal
Want to play black cat and mouse?

These hallways cannot own me
The cages cannot keep me
My lust cannot be sated
I’ll drain you dry tonight.

The door whispers open, watch my lithe form appear next to you
Bad night to take the patrol, my love, now see me hunt--You would probably build more tension if you flipped these lines around.

Bad night to take the patrol, my love, now see me hunt
The door whispers open, watch my lithe form appear next to you

In this revised setup you could probably also cut "take the" Unless you really want it you could also cut the door repetion here. You could also move hunt down to the second line so that you end on see me (it gives good layering)

Just keep running, adrenaline makes you go down smoother
You’ll beg me not to stop in the end.--These lines are fantastic

I’ll leave you torn and broken
Gasping your last breath in rapture
Restraints stained with blood and arousal
Want to play black cat and mouse?

These hallways cannot own me
The cages cannot keep me
My lust cannot be sated
I’ll drain you dry tonight.

The door whispers open, ageless eyes peer out and mark you down
Best to ignore the beckoning finger, ignore the sultry murmur
The cold in those hands is death itself
Those kisses will suck your breath away
No-one hears your babbling, pet; remember where we are
So sweet, the innocence of insanity.

For this section, make it more personal (and possibly cut the door again):

Ignore MY beckoning finger, the sulty murmur
The cold in These hands...etc

I do like the last two lines in that section a lot.

I’ll leave you torn and broken
Gasping your last breath in rapture
Restraints stained with blood and arousal
Want to play black cat and mouse?

These hallways cannot own me
The cages cannot keep me
My lust cannot be sated
I’ll drain you dry tonight.

Now I know I kept saying cut the door except for at the beginning. The reason is it would be a great stand alone ending line because it would speak to an impending threat and make the poem circular.

The door whispers open

I hope that wasn't too overwhelming. Again just my opinion. I hope some of it will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd