11-19-2010, 12:25 PM
(11-19-2010, 11:37 AM)xXxForbiddenLovexXx Wrote: Shes (apostrophe 'tween the she and s) sorry, she just can't be perfect,
She cries sometimes, she gets hurt,
She gets angry, she screams,
She gets in fights, she makes mistakes.
Perhaps in this first stanza you could search for a word that isn't 'gets' as you reuse 'She' so often the two together seems unthought.
They always say, she is flawless, They always say "She is flawless."
That she is beautiful, there is nothing wrong with her, "She is beautiful." There is nothing wrong with her.
The lies that flow out of her mouth,
Just as fast as blood flows through veins.
The last two lines do not seem to fit too well with the situation she's in, after people are speaking to her they then see she's lying? Perhaps say 'The lies that must flow from her mouth just as fast as the blood flows through her veins.' It also keeps it as relatable as it can with the character which you seem to strive for.
Maybe she is wrong, I would use 'or' rather than a comma personally. maybe shes (Apostrophe) making it all up,
She could be right, things could be wrong,
She could be in over her head, With what? Maybe tell us what she's over her head in, why is she lying? If she was simply given this by birthright she wouldn't feel over her head because she's always been that way.
It may all be a fantasy, the mistakes are a Don't need the 'a' fake.
Is she right, Comma is not needed or is she wrong?
Is everything okay, does she just not see the good? Make it easy, for example 'Is everything okay? Why won't she just see the good?
Can everything be true, can everything be broken? Can everything be true or is it all broken?
Or Not needed Is she blind, and cannot see her own perfection.
Is she blind? Can she not see her own perfection? Her own reflection?
Things could be worst to worse for her, so very worst, to so much worse?
She looks beyond the open wound,
The tears fall from her eyes, they drops to either; the drops stain her pillow or simply they stain her pillow.
Every tear, is a lie.(Comma isn't needed)
It's all pretend... a fairytale.