She's not perfect

[billy]

thanks for braving the serious critique form Michelle
for me you need a fair few solid images. even if it means losing some of what you already have.

Shes sorry, she just can't be perfect,
She cries sometimes, she gets hurt,
She gets angry, she screams,
She gets in fights, she makes mistakes. [how? i what way, can it be shown instead of told to us ie;]

She's sorry, she just can't be perfect--
She empties like a cloud when pricked.
She's whirring teeth on a screaming chainsaw
when angered, she fights like a mother.
She makes mistakes, some the size of boulders.

please don't take what i've written as a re-write. it isn't, it's just an example (a bad one at that ) on how to use an image instead of a generic cries, angry, or fight. the same technique can be applied in other parts of the poem



Things could be worst for her, so very worst, [worse]
She looks beyond the open wound,
The tears fall from her eyes, they drops stain her pillow. [the]
Every tear, is a lie. It's all pretend... a fairytale.

all in all it's a narrative poem, which allows for some telling, but where possible we should always show the image in the words.

thanks for the read as always.