11-19-2010, 11:38 AM
Nice work 
. I especially loved the idea in the second stanza (the light through the cracks).
What I could suggest is to tone down some of the repetition of the same basic idea. For instance, in the third stanza you used "unbreakable", then afterwards "can never be broken". Think as a writer, how else can you convey the idea that love is strong without using another iteration of "unbreakable"? There are lots of ways! Try to find unique angles and interpretations to what you want to say, so your narration could be even richer
. I especially loved the idea in the second stanza (the light through the cracks).What I could suggest is to tone down some of the repetition of the same basic idea. For instance, in the third stanza you used "unbreakable", then afterwards "can never be broken". Think as a writer, how else can you convey the idea that love is strong without using another iteration of "unbreakable"? There are lots of ways! Try to find unique angles and interpretations to what you want to say, so your narration could be even richer
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?