11-17-2010, 01:32 AM
Overall clever, with a really cool rhyme scheme that kept me interested.
Just a thought or two......
"returning here upon another day”
Sounds a bit clumsy. I can't tell you how I'd remedy that, though. Maybe it's just my ear
"Afraid not you(?)
my dear chap,"
I get what you're doing, but the "you/my" threw me off for a second. I just stumbled on it; perhaps omit the "you" and change that line around? Again, just my opinion
Don't touch the last verse. Perfect.
Just a thought or two......
"returning here upon another day”
Sounds a bit clumsy. I can't tell you how I'd remedy that, though. Maybe it's just my ear
"Afraid not you(?)
my dear chap,"
I get what you're doing, but the "you/my" threw me off for a second. I just stumbled on it; perhaps omit the "you" and change that line around? Again, just my opinion
Don't touch the last verse. Perfect.