11-16-2010, 09:14 AM
for me every child ever born
isn't it a given that every child was born (way or another? )
how bout just removing the "ever born"
it being their doesn't cause any problems as such but for me it's a little tighter with it.
the rest of the first verse works great for me
One day, it will also slip. i falter a little here todd. would it read better as;
One day, when it does slip. the also in the line makes me thing it's already slipped once.
after that it feels really tight.
i like the way you worked on the poem todd. i don't see the changes as anything major but for me the piece is a lot tighter now and gets too the point in a more solid way. i'm always glad when a writer doesn't blindly follow another's critique or feedback. i know it's something used to do. (i try as much as possible now to equate if what they advise is what i really want) often i would assume that they were better writers than me. which is never a good thing to do
an extremely good portrayal of how to do an edit. thanks as usual.
isn't it a given that every child was born (way or another? )
how bout just removing the "ever born"
it being their doesn't cause any problems as such but for me it's a little tighter with it.
the rest of the first verse works great for me
One day, it will also slip. i falter a little here todd. would it read better as;
One day, when it does slip. the also in the line makes me thing it's already slipped once.
after that it feels really tight.
i like the way you worked on the poem todd. i don't see the changes as anything major but for me the piece is a lot tighter now and gets too the point in a more solid way. i'm always glad when a writer doesn't blindly follow another's critique or feedback. i know it's something used to do. (i try as much as possible now to equate if what they advise is what i really want) often i would assume that they were better writers than me. which is never a good thing to do
an extremely good portrayal of how to do an edit. thanks as usual.