Thoughts Whilst Sitting in a Park

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback, Lawrence

Stanza one has amazing enjambment.
A regal view of the wall? If that's intentional, bravo.

Thank you, Lawrence. That first stanza was composed a day after the rest of the piece, so I worried that it might seem sloppy. Thanks for assuaging my fears. By "regal," I meant that, as I surveyed the wall ahead, received this panoramic view, I felt like a king presiding over his land. I don't like the word, however, as the syllables, I think, are too short, hence my subsequent edit.

The last line of stanza two seems clumsy to me

I agree, but for the life of me I can't think how to change it.

Soul doesn't work too well for me.

What about "eye twitch" instead?

Be back with a full review in a few..

I look forward to reading it.

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Thanks for the feedback, Billy

( so you're at the park, the winds howling (okay it's just a harsh breeze) and your fingers are thick from the cold: and you decide to write a poem there? : for me this line feels a little too poetical)

What exactly do you mean by "too poetical"? As in too florid and baroque, with too much pretension, perhaps? I don't know why I decided to write a poem there either, but hey, shit happens haha. I simply described what I was doing because I'd run out of ideas, and thought it might be seen as "deep." I think I know what you mean by "too poetical" now.

(alongside feels like it has one syl to many would a two syl word work better?)

I think I'll change that to "beside." I had trouble assertaining the rhythm myself, so thanks for calling my attention to it.

(soul wince feels a little to poetical)

What about "eye twitch" instead?

(two n's)

Thanks for the heads up on the spelling mistake; I'll change that once I've finished this.

not sure the word regal worked for me

Not sure I liked "regal" either. I think I might change it to "awesome," as the longer syllables would improve the flow.