A Villanelle

[billy]

i transfered what i wrote over here to this thread, ignore the pleasure moan comment as you've altered it (and all the better it is. )

Yeah I agree about the refrains. They have to look like a natural part of the poem's dialogue, and not just tacked on sentiments. I'm still learning that, as you'll see from my poem below, which relies a bit too heavily, I think, on semi-colons.

As we kiss the air grows stale,
when I come a brain cell dies; comma after come?
I hear the pounding of the nail.

The morning shows through dusty blinds,
my aching wrist decries our love, then
as we kiss the air grows stale.

After you left the train station,
my trench coat ran with tears and rain;
I hear the pounding of the nail.

When I lay on our bed that night,
my eyelids closed, your blond hair bloomed; now
as we kiss the air grows stale.

A pleasure moan escapes my lips, wtf is a pleasure moan should it be pleasure-moan?
I soak my boxer shorts again;
I hear the pounding of the nail.

Our bedroom now is a coffin, feels archaic in sintax
damp tissues stuff each waste basket, and
as we kiss the air grows stale;
I hear the pounding of the nail.

the meter feels a bit wobbly bob for me.
but the content feel fine.
a good effort

have you posting in the poetry practice thread yet